Mommy Blog Lines: Tal(k)ing Care

How to treat Christmas when children are grown young adults at home? This is when I have really come to learn that patterns established when kids were young (oh, that was me setting those standards?) still come out and continue to run the show. As a family we didn’t “do” for others–didn’t visit shelters to serve food, make family donations to a charity, sing in a church, volunteer to help others at all, really. We shopped and bought presents and wrote lists of things to get and do. And so the tradition continues. I was glad to listen to the classic carol “Silver Bells” celebrates us with the line, “As the shoppers rush home with their treasures.” Yet somehow the etched image in the 1950’s cityscape of the song seems endearing, evoking a smeary navy and silver scene, with bells off in the background. Now we have big box and miles of malls. It’s only stuff, even wrapped up in silver paper. What a glorious day for me–the day after Christmas. We start to get our patterns back. No more

In a writing class I teach about style, a bright student shared this article about stereotyping from this source on The Cut . It presents the apparently lightweight put down of calling girls who don’t stand out–who accept trends and norms uncritically, dare we say happily– “basic.” Ok– that means these girls are not transgressive–not politically active or aware. They are happy inheritors of consumerism, and carry it on without interrogation or pause. They like fashion and following norms. They colour inside the lines. For this they are the butt of pop culture humour–they are NOT hip. What I like about the article is that it points out that calling someone “basic” is a form of name-calling. Maybe in nice and clean-fun form, but still, name calling. It also points out that to do this the caller implies that he/she is above such basic baseness–cool enough to note when others are not. The basic are a privileged group being attacked, I’ll grant you. BUT it’s still attack and go

I feel reflective on this fall day, so I’m going to risk thinking about aging and parenting. Being the mom of young adults is really hard. In one way the job at hand is letting go and encouraging them to do more things alone. On the other, staying intimately (inextricably?) knit into their lives seems natural. You love them beyond reason. It’s even interesting to ponder whether you love them more than anyone else ever will. Of course, even if you’re the mom, you’re a separate person. If things work out for the very best, you are destined to die first. That thought puts my job as a mother into sharp relief–I cannot make my children too dependent on my love and care, because ultimately that’s no kindness. Maybe diving too deep into your young adult child’s life is a bit vampiric–to grab and live another life and lifetime. Their worries are like your old worries–life all over again! The balance? I struggle to remember to enjoy the shared time we get to have. So much for parents to

It’s been a while since we have posted… summer travels, family time and the need to unplug for a while kept us away. But, we’re back and know that our concerns about the right of children to privacy on line is an important issue, as noted by the Guardian in a recent article “Does sharing photos of your children on Facebook put them at risk?” A particular focus in the article and for us are the present and future concerns of the personal safety of children and the family. Also of concern are the future personal repercussions for children as they enter adulthood, post-secondary education, and the labour force. Furthermore, what may the posts by adults of their children on Facebook and blogs mean for their interpersonal relationships between children and those adults who have posted photos without permission and commented on the children’s photos and life experiences? While the internet and social media are here to stay, we must think and act carefully about how we expose those who

This week, an Instagram account was shut down for photos of mother Heather Bays breastfeeding her child. Watch this CBC video . The video introduces some complications such as when Rosalind Prober comments on the need to be vigilant about images of children on line and the link to child pornography, whether the images are suggestive or not. The video also raises a question about whether the Instagram account was shut down because of the breastfeeding photo or because of other photos in the same account, such as the one that shows breastfeeding as pleasurable and possibly erotic. We invite you to view the videos and let us know what you think in response to this question: Do we need to be as vigilant as Prober warns us to be? Is she right in her formula that once on the net always on the net – that things made public are permanent on the net? Or is there growing evidence that people will be able to wipe their online histories?

Recently a mom blogger wrote a post that ended up going viral about her mentally unstable son that compared him to a serial killer.( http://gawker.com/5968818/i-am-adam-lanzas-mother ) He is so violent and uncontrollable, she argue, that he might eventually hurt or even kill someone. Her description of her attempts to take care of him courted empathy. Yet, all things considered, her betrayal of her son’s trust is breathtaking. In perpetuity, he is depicted by his own mother on the internet as an unstable and dangerous person. This is like having a permanent and public record. Did this mom blogger want to help others dealing with their violent children, and hurt her son inadvertently? Or did she write the post eyes wide open, in hopes of cultivating mass readership and possible sponsorship? A year later she was able to revisit the topic ( https://thebluereview.org/not-adam-lanzas-mother ) and develop another high profile post about the issue of loss and luck that ravages the lives of pa

In the summer of 2013, actors and celebrity moms Halle Barry and Jennifer Garner testified in support of Senate Bill 606 to change the legal definition of harassment to include photographing or recording a child without the permission of a legal guardian and increases the possible punishment for harassing celebrity kids—and clarifies the legal definition of harassment in such cases. A month later, the implementation of the “eraser bill” in California on September 23, 2013 further demonstrates an understanding of the influence media and – by extension – social media has on the lives of individuals. In particular, it recognizes the long term damage that may occur to those who post compromising pictures and text on line. The law forces companies – as of January 2015 – to provide a way for minors to delete digital skeletons – rants, postings and pictures that could harm their reputations, their chances of getting into college and their employment opportunities. Recognizing the vulner

On March 18, 2014, The Ellen DeGeneres Show featured mom Linda Beltran and her eldest son Mateo, who made the 8 million viewed YouTube sensation “Linda, Honey, Listen” – 3-year old Mateo Makes His Case for Cup Cakes” . At the end of their interview, Ellen treated Mateo to a 5 foot mound of cup cakes, and gifted Linda with a spa weekend and a $10,000 cheque to help with the living expenses of her family – including her husband Kenneth, their second child, and her parents-in-law. Mateo’s parents are capitalizing further on their son’s notoriety by selling t-shirts with his catchphrase “Linda, Honey, Honey, Listen…” with all proceeds going to his college fund. http://sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com/2014/03/17/little-mateo-pleads-his-case-for-cupcakes/ A few weeks ago, Sharon Greenthal, a former stay-at-home mom and blogger at Empty House, Full Mind wrote “A Letter To Mommy Bloggers From A Blogger With Grown Kids” encouraging mommy bloggers to NOT post photos and write about their children’s

A day of blog talk (thanks Elan Morgan and Kyla Roma). Now blogging about blogging, with 2 new questions about ethics in this world: -when we provoke angry comments, have we helped angry people blow off steam: community service, not provocation -when we write our blogs we are writing in character, and not using anything like an authentic voice.

Years ago, Carol Gilligan put forward the thesis that women’s morality was centered on relational experiences and that men’s morality was based purely on autonomy. Her argument was challenged as over essentializing. Yet, here we are in 2014 and undeniably one of the main themes in literature, television, and popular culture that is aimed at a female audience are vampire narratives with female human heroines who learn about romantic love by loving vampiric males who, as non-humans, can’t love. Is it true that for women it’s about sorting out relationships and love and for men it’s about being concerned with right actions and living? Is it true that after all the feminist efforts to obtain/attain political equality there appears a residual difference between women and men? Within this genre, women seem to continue to have the burden to be concerned about healthy love and relationships, whereas men have the potential advantage of leaning on/learning from women’s work to educate them.

While being curious about the essay on gender equity by Beyoncé, I was more keenly drawn to Beyoncé’s video “4. Liberation” at the bottom of the post. I’m immediately hooked by her comment “just because you become a mother doesn’t mean you loose who you are” and then by her ability to speak honestly about the work it takes to get her focus, her dreams, and herself “back” after becoming a mother. She confesses that the time making her self-titled and newly released album Beyoncé was an “escape” where she could create her own world and fantasize about her life before she was caring for an infant child. Proud of losing the 60 pounds of weight she gained during her pregnancy, she asserts that “you can have a child, and you can work hard, and you can get your body back”. She also speaks honestly about how getting back into her body helped her find her sensuality. She’s proud of growing up through her experiences of pregnancy, birth and mothering, and says that it’s important to her to ex

On Facebook today, there was a post about the new Pope’s brave reformation of the Catholic church, concluding by summarizing his position in the desirability and immanent dawning of the day when a woman could be Pope. It took someone else to point out to me that this was not real news, making me shake my head at the depth of my obtuseness–not reading this with instant recognition that it was internet hoax news. This is really interesting–news as not just selectively offered but imaginary. Who wants to be caught quoting Will Ferrell and his Anchorman, but here I go: news defined as the exercise of giving people not what they need to know but what they want to know. In this case we hear of a third Vatican council completing the work of Vatican 2. Utopia of sharing and tolerance. When I first read this all-good / great-news announcement,I simply accepted it as news.Then I noted the corrective comment about the announcement being created internet story–virtual world news. The point of disc

How many Christmas times do we get in our lives–only one a year. So a limited number! I feel regretful to feel relieved this one is over. It should be a milestone to celebrate. And here I am admitting to wanting to get through it and past it . Not so good. When our kids are young and little, winter holiday times are like the Christmas tree–we can decorate the days to our hearts’ content. We can go to as many concerts and events as we like, and really make something of it. There are magical nutcrackers, villages for Santa, dancing deer. When they are older and more cynical and world weary, the animation freezes, magic leaves and many of the doors are shut. Of course there are other ways to celebrate. Of course, the best antidote is as always to find ways to to turn your hands to doing for others. But I think it’s a good idea before switching expectations and actions to reflect on loss as well as gain, to have a real sense of what time passing and holidays mean rather than rushing to