the need for gender fluid parenting practices
Today I find myself pondering the comments posted by SS and GG in response to my previous posting within the context of last week’s National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women in Canada, which is held annually on December 6th to mark the anniversary of the 1989 murder of 14 twenty-something year-old women by twenty-four year old Marc Lepine, who systematically separated the women from the men and shot them because he believed the women studying and working at l’École Polytechnique in Montréal were feminists and were responsible for his failure.
I am struck by the connections among the comments and queries offered by SS on Dec 2nd about the fluidity that is often required/involved in mothering children, particularly when children move into themselves in ways that their parents had not anticipated and/or desired, GG’s comments on the same afternoon addressing the trouble and discomfort some folks have toward Lady Gaga’s strategic disruptive gender performances that include abject femininity, and my own purchase of two children’s books as gifts for young family members during the upcoming festive season.
I agree with SS when she notes that as moms "we plan and expect certain things". And I can’t help but feel deeply for the mothers of the 14 daughters who were massacred on Dec 6th and also for the mother of Marc Lepine. Each mother must surely struggle as she continues to live with the immense and profound loss of her child. I am sure they all planned and expected very different lives for their children than the outcome of that horrendous day. I also suspect that the mother of Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, otherwise known as Lady Gaga, has been surprised by the ways in which her plans and expectations for her daughter may not match Lady Gaga’s behaviour and fame, nor the hostile criticism that some people hurl at her daughter for her self-expression as a woman.
I think these ponderings have influenced my sensitivity to the touching messages in the books The Crown on Your Head written by New York Times bestselling author Nancy Tillman, and Have You Filled a Bucket Today: A Guide to Daily Happiness for Kids by the nine award winning duo of author Carol McCloud and illustrator David Messing. Each of these stories offer readers, young and old alike, models for self-acceptance and the acceptance of others, as well as foster attitudes and actions that support diversity and love. Not only are children encouraged to believe in themselves, adult readers too are shown how each individual is unique and capable of being themselves.
Some may say these stories and their messages are naïve and shallow, however I strongly disagree. Building the capacity for self-love and acceptance of difference is a powerful and long term strategy for social change. Of course there are struggles and difficulties along the way; however, a strong sense of one’s self with the support of others allows folks to live their lives more fully and to role model for others.
I see the positive results of such attitudes and ethics reflected in the story “Led by the child who simply knew” in today’s The Boston Globe (http://bostonglobe.com/metro/2011/12/11/led-child-who-simply-knew/SsH1U9Pn9JKArTiumZdxaL/story.html) that explains the ways in which a brave and loving family, with the help of a supportive medical team, have been able to support the transition of one of their identical twin boys to a girl. Nicole’s mother Kelly remarks how she “believed in Nicole” becasue “she always knew who she was.” By listening to and supporting the child’s own sense of self, Nicole’s transition to identifying as a girl has been less difficult than other children’s.
Reading this account of a family that has openly worked to be fluid in its approach to the gender identity of one of its members confirms my belief in the need for fluid parenting practices that move with and support the development of children and their identities, even when they don’t fulfill our plans and expectations. By being open to the desires of children, I am confident that we may be able to engage with them in ways that also address the difficulties they have with their identities and ways of being in the world, which I trust, will assist in reducing the risk of violent acts like that of Marc Lepine in 1989.
I am struck by the connections among the comments and queries offered by SS on Dec 2nd about the fluidity that is often required/involved in mothering children, particularly when children move into themselves in ways that their parents had not anticipated and/or desired, GG’s comments on the same afternoon addressing the trouble and discomfort some folks have toward Lady Gaga’s strategic disruptive gender performances that include abject femininity, and my own purchase of two children’s books as gifts for young family members during the upcoming festive season.
I agree with SS when she notes that as moms "we plan and expect certain things". And I can’t help but feel deeply for the mothers of the 14 daughters who were massacred on Dec 6th and also for the mother of Marc Lepine. Each mother must surely struggle as she continues to live with the immense and profound loss of her child. I am sure they all planned and expected very different lives for their children than the outcome of that horrendous day. I also suspect that the mother of Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, otherwise known as Lady Gaga, has been surprised by the ways in which her plans and expectations for her daughter may not match Lady Gaga’s behaviour and fame, nor the hostile criticism that some people hurl at her daughter for her self-expression as a woman.
I think these ponderings have influenced my sensitivity to the touching messages in the books The Crown on Your Head written by New York Times bestselling author Nancy Tillman, and Have You Filled a Bucket Today: A Guide to Daily Happiness for Kids by the nine award winning duo of author Carol McCloud and illustrator David Messing. Each of these stories offer readers, young and old alike, models for self-acceptance and the acceptance of others, as well as foster attitudes and actions that support diversity and love. Not only are children encouraged to believe in themselves, adult readers too are shown how each individual is unique and capable of being themselves.
Some may say these stories and their messages are naïve and shallow, however I strongly disagree. Building the capacity for self-love and acceptance of difference is a powerful and long term strategy for social change. Of course there are struggles and difficulties along the way; however, a strong sense of one’s self with the support of others allows folks to live their lives more fully and to role model for others.
I see the positive results of such attitudes and ethics reflected in the story “Led by the child who simply knew” in today’s The Boston Globe (http://bostonglobe.com/metro/2011/12/11/led-child-who-simply-knew/SsH1U9Pn9JKArTiumZdxaL/story.html) that explains the ways in which a brave and loving family, with the help of a supportive medical team, have been able to support the transition of one of their identical twin boys to a girl. Nicole’s mother Kelly remarks how she “believed in Nicole” becasue “she always knew who she was.” By listening to and supporting the child’s own sense of self, Nicole’s transition to identifying as a girl has been less difficult than other children’s.
Reading this account of a family that has openly worked to be fluid in its approach to the gender identity of one of its members confirms my belief in the need for fluid parenting practices that move with and support the development of children and their identities, even when they don’t fulfill our plans and expectations. By being open to the desires of children, I am confident that we may be able to engage with them in ways that also address the difficulties they have with their identities and ways of being in the world, which I trust, will assist in reducing the risk of violent acts like that of Marc Lepine in 1989.
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